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February 21, 2012

Rod Ford Makes Another Sound Decision in Firing TTC General Manager Gary Webster

By Jacob Samuel

Although Toronto’s journalists (most of whom are yogurt and latte guzzling book readers) would have you believe otherwise, Mayor Rob Ford’s decision to fire TTC General Manager Gary Webster was another move in a direction. Exactly, a move in “a direction” because true leadership is moving somewhere without being blinded by duty, responsibility, competence, or dreaded common sense. 

Yes, Gary Webster is an accomplished civil servant, with over 35 years of experience. Yes, Gary Webster has managed the TTC competently since 2006. These things are exactly the problem with Gary Webster. What Toronto needs to accomplish the essential feat of constructing 10 meters of new subway by 2050 is not “competence” or “engineering know-how,” it’s brazen and utterly delusional imagination.

We need a TTC manager who isn’t burdened by numbers and costs and can instead dream up a real transit vision for Torontonians. A transit vision in which not only is all transit underground, but so much so that it pierces into the mantle of the Earth, withstanding temperatures that melt stone into liquid hot magma. Can it be done, probably not? Is it worth taxpayer’s money to tunnel hundreds of kilometers to the Earth’s core while paving over all public parks and communities centers to make way for giant stretch-limo SUVs, probably yes—we can’t know until we try. 

Toronto can be city of the future, to the extent that not only will there be no war on cars but cars will achieve artificial intelligence and become our robotic overloads. 

Every Toronto taxpayer who is angry over this decision needs to step back, take a deep breath, and applaud Mayor Ford for daring to imagine. Rob Ford, John Lennon…Frankly, I don’t see a difference (except that one was a dirty hippy). 

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February 01, 2012
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It’s Imperative That WE STOP THE GRAVY TRAIN!

If we don’t give Rob Ford the means to stop the gravy train at City Hall, we are soon going to see a headline like this: “Gravy Train collides with Mash Potato Express, 150 dead.”

- Jacob Samuel

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February 01, 2012

Another Great Decision on Toronto Transit

By Jacob Samuel


“Stintz bid on facts on Crosstown Line derailed” - The Globe and Mail
 

Once again, Mayor Rob Ford has firmly stood his ground on holding back Toronto transit expansion plans. Ford’s leadership on this issue should be commended, especially in regard to his determination to not let any numbers or analysis negatively affect any important decisions. In support of Mayor Ford, I would like to suggest several initiatives that will further decrease transit costs, short of converting all subways to giant ferris wheels.

1. Power from the elites

As we all know, Toronto’s entitled elite spends most of its hours at yoga class, jogging, and biking while reciting passages from Das Kapital. So much of this human power is not being put to use. Rather than building transit out to Toronto’s underprivileged neighborhoods, we can cost-effectively give poor Torontonians second-hand rollerblades and tie them to elites as they exercise their way straight to a socialist hell. 
 

2. An underground railroad 

Obviously all future transit lines in Toronto must be buried underground, no matter the cost. In fact, there is a cheaper way to do this than actually digging tunnels. Instead of boring caverns and laying track, the Eglinton crosstown line can be built through a series of safe houses as an “underground railroad.” Commuters can get across town by travelling from house to house under the cover of dark while following the North Star and avoiding bounty hunters seeking to return them to slave states. The cost savings are worth the several months it will take to travel the full extent of the line.
 

3. More freeways

The War on Cars can only be won by one means: building more freeways. Most of Toronto’s buildings should be converted into multi-lane highways, especially the CN Tower. Toronto can have one lane dedicated to each member of the Group of Seven on the surreal AGO expressway, and the look of the ROM can surely be improved by converting it into an onramp. Additionally, all streetcars should be taken off downtown streets immediately and used to contain dangerous Stalinist agitators in gulag-style prison camps.